Some of this stuff drizzled out of my brain while I was in the shower the other day.

I had a job interview last week and I brought my bongos with me because they say you should always try to distinguish yourself from the other candidates and the interviewer asked, as they invariably do, “why the bongos,” and I said I’m glad you asked that. I would be even gladder if you had asked “when can you start?” But that’s fine, we’ll go with the bongos for now.

I brought the bongos so there would for sure be at least one question which I know the answer to because I hate getting zero answers right in job interviews. It’s bad for my self esteem. Did you know I took out a second mortgage on my self esteem? Did you know that the word mortgage comes from the Old French and means literally “dead pledge?”

Then I said can I ask a few questions before we begin? She said okay go ahead, and I said what does your position pay? She said I don’t think that’s relevant… and I said okay we’ll come back to that one.

Have you ever stolen office supplies from this or any other company? She said now wait… and I said that’s alright we’ll come back to that one.

Then I said tell me a little about yourself and why you think you would be great at your job. Put it in the form of a rap song, if you would. Then I started playing my bongos.

Then she showed me the door and I said yeah I’ve seen those before. People are always showing me doors like I don’t know what they are. She said we’ll be in touch and I said I thought it was inappropriate of her to come on to me like that in a professional setting. But I agreed to have a few drinks later. She, alas, did not.

The worst is when they ask, “why do you want this job.” Because they know you have to lie. Nobody wants a job, come on. So they want to see how you spin some shit? Well okay. Just remember, you asked for this.

When you lose your job it’s like the economy broke up with you. Now it won’t even take your calls. And word gets around how you behave in job interviews. You should have gotten naked photos of the economy while you had the chance. A little insurance if you get my drift. So the economy is seeing someone else now. And they are really rich. Pretend like you didn’t see that coming.

So I’m old now and I can’t remember one damn thing. I realized one positive side effect of this is that I get a lot of exercise because I spend half the day wandering from room to room wondering what it was I came in there for. I’m just kidding. I never get out of this chair. If evolution were left to me the human butt would grow out in the shape of a chair, with wheels too if I can swing it.

The hardest thing about office politics is finding a wealthy donor to back your campaign.

Why do we start the day in the middle of the night? It’s like a fly-by-night operation. You get up the next morning and what happened to Thursday? Oh shit and our jewelry is missing! I think every day should have its own unique name. Cycling through seven names over and over seems kind of lazy. Every day is the last day of your life so far. But this one we are calling “Tuesday” again. If you get struck by lightening there’s a 14.28% chance it will happen on a Tuesday but we go on about how rotten Monday is. If we started the week on Wednesday then Saturday would be hump day. It is totally arbitrary. Somebody made all this stuff up and it wasn’t me. Not this time.

Every day is about one half night time but all the day names end in “day.” Yes, the Sun is kind of special but we don’t have to worship it. The Sun acts like everything revolves around it. The moon is much closer but it gets second billing. And moonshine is really just recycled sunshine. And those twinkles in the night sky? More suns! But it’s okay because you can still have a “night life” if you want. It’s fun, like sneaking around doing stuff while the Sun isn’t looking.

I’m not down on the Sun. I’m just saying if you go out with her you should use precautions. Special lotions. Special glasses. Just don’t romanticize it too much. She’s hot and you love being with her but she’s not your girlfriend. She’s everybody’s girlfriend.

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